Non-conformist

One thing I started during my teenage life is to be a non-conformist. I started of rebelling against my parent’s belief now the rebelling has encompassed the society. I am at such a stage, where even if I want to conform to the general mainstream society, I a’int allowed to. Me not being able to get an admit to pursue what I feel is the right path is just proving that point once again. I cannot take the path taken by the common man.

I have shed quite a few tears and gone through a lot of anguish and its enough. Two tears for the bucket, fuck it. I am a non-conformist not just by choice, rather by the force of my fate and circumstances. I have asked myself, whether I could possibly be happy pretending to be a conformist. Can I voluntarily create an illusionary Garden of Eden like all the people around me? Will I feel content, looking and acting like other people? Will I ever feel self-conscious being different from everyone else and want to change? Will I have the courage of convictions to stand-alone even if the whole world is against me? I have done that in my personal life, so there is precedence prooving I am capable of it. The question now is, am I capable of doing it consistently throughout my life? Eventually I will have to answer these questions honestly, to be truly happy with my achievement and purpose in life. Lots of questions unanswered but when can one have answers to all the questions in life?

non-conformist

Can I play with MADNESS?

I never thought that in my life it would hurt me so much to tell a lie. I have lied before, I even considered myself a smooth operator. I admired my capabilities to lie thru my teeth. For the past 2-3 days, I have been saying one particular lie, which pricks my soul and my conscious. I have never hurt myself, so hard ever in my life. The pain is so deep it is pushing me to play with madness again. I have escaped once in my life before from madness in search of my dream. I am getting a feeling these past few days that madness is catching up with me.
This particular set of lies, I am throwing out will cause me a lot of harm. Even though it sounds and seems the right thing to do now. This will hurt my reputation and my integrity in the long run. Compared to my peers at this point in my life, any fool can tell I am a loser!!!
I have everything a man could ever need, except a reason to wake up every morning. Every morning, that single split second after I open my eyes there is that someone to turn to. The one who loves me and holds me tighter through my defeats, than through my victories. I hope I will not lose everything for that reason I crave. I hope I don’t have to then start trying to gain that split second back. The choice I need to make is something I will never be able to make in my life. In both the choice, I stand to gain nothin and lose everything its a lose-lose. I hate my faith, my belief to put me into such a situation. The choice I am being forced to make, is like the move my fate has played against me in a game of chess. It’s a checkmate in this game of MADNESS.
Madness Lies

Broken at dead-end

Today was the penultimate deadline when I might have got the admit mail from University-MBA. I saw a few people sending out messages on the forum announcing they received. That moment it struck me, I had not made the cut finally. It is a very hard swallow of pride. The most disturbing fact is that I did everything possible to get a seat. Now that I have not been able to get it, the question definitely falls on my capabilities.
I kept worrying every single day after I submitted what if I don’t get it. I had read/heard about a saying, ‘Worry is interest paid on a debt that never comes due’ Now I know a thing or two about worrying because that is what I have been doing for the past one month. Forget the interest now I have a huge principal, which I need to pay up. I am broke! Now where do I file bankruptcy with respect to hope/faith, which temple/graveyard? I had everything planned assuming I would get it, I was very confident that my profile was strong. The more I think about the failure the more it hurts, it’s like scratching a wound, itching makes the pain worse.
According to me, there are four kinds of people on this planet; Quitters - the hopeless romantics who like but are not passionate about what they want to do, Losers - the great dreamers there is no actions to their thought, Winners - people who forget they are in a race and just love to run and Achievers - who never lose focus they always know where the finish line is.
I always considered myself an Achiever, but today I feel like a Loser. I am all broken, the crystal ball around me seems to have shattered to so small pieces that, I cannot even collect them. I feel like I may go mad, with all the distress signals my mind is receiving from my heart.
The song, which is running in my mind right now, is 3 Doors Down – Loser. After a long journey, I feel like I have hit the dead end. This was the very best and the fastest path to my goal. Now with this door closed, with it I have lost the assistance of an MBA to reach my goal. Now sitting at this dead end, I need to plot now. I need to map alternative paths to reach my goal.

Broken

Decisions

Yesterday I put myself in a very difficult situation. I, in most probability put in motion probably a chain of events, which may change my career. I have only one person to help me make my decision. It is the one person who will be affected the most by any of my actions.
When I was very young, I have made decisions very important ones (relative at that age) with just a coin toss. Only if decision-making was as simple as tossing a coin. Now at this age I have responsibilities I cannot do the same. I hold myself accountable for the life of a few people who depend on me. I must map out the likely consequences of decisions, work out the importance of individual factors and choose the best course of action to take.
I have used all the decision-making techniques (Grid Analysis/ Six thinking hats etc) to arrive at a decision. The opportunity I have now in front of me is like a window I never knew existed. I was expecting to reach a door thru which I could pass through to the career I want. The path to that door turned out wrong. The mapquest-guidance gave me a wrong route map! I just hope I make the right decision and never regret my actions.

Decisions

Women

I can just start and end my post with WOMEN = ENIGMA. It says it all but let me write more about it for the uninitiated.
Now people who know me would say, 'High time this bloke wrote about it'. This is one topic I consider myself proficient enough to talk. Come on, experiences makes a person know quite a bit about the topic. Few yrs back, now that looks like a lifetime ago, I was what some people would call the ladies man. Now what can I write about women/ladies/girls. Only one word can describe them appropriately according to me 'ENIGMA'. Only a fool will try to unravel the perpetual mystery. I was one such fool years back now I am a wise fool! I am still pursuing my attempt to understand my woman; it’s a matter of survival now, more about this in some other post.
Women ain’t they perfect? No matter what they are skinny, fat, blonde, brunette or even blue! If she is willing to give here love, it’s the greatest gift in the world. It makes you tall, makes you shine, smile and feel contended. They are a perfect combination of joy and ache, joy when you first get to know them and ache when they leave you.
Women on this planet come in all different shapes, sizes, color and mentality. Never ever, go by the looks of a woman. Generally, a man would want a conventionally beautiful woman clinging on to his arms, whom he can flaunt in front of his friends and family as a mark of personal achievement, a trophy, and status symbol. Beware what a man needs in the longer run is closeness and honesty in an intense emotionally supportive relation. For this, men have to look for real women, a woman whose beauty is more than skin deep. Believe me because I have been there done that, had ‘n’ number of relations learnt from mistakes and finally found my girl. Now I was plain lucky that she is pretty even in the conventional sense.
Guys, in my opinion do not necessarily stick to first girl you come across. Go out burn your hands, its fun knowing the different - colors of hair possible, touch of those different soft skin, ways each girls feels in your arms, smell of different girls, the taste of biting them (wherever). It is a buyers market so sample a few; do you ever buy a car without test-driving it? Ladies reading this post no pun intended, it’s applicable even for you. There can be no end on what can be written about women, but the best way to know them is not reading; rather it’s in meeting them. So let me end this with a quote applicable to chocolates and women.
‘Sweets are first tasted by the eye, but flavor is the heart and soul of all confectionery.’ - John Millar

Women